Don’t get me wrong, I love technology but I haven’t yet descended into the dark depths of the complete gadget freak. However if something is electrically driven, has buttons, is made of polished metal, or preferably all three, then in my book it’s worth checking out. I am a techno-realist though and do realise that sometimes technology obscures the blindingly obvious because of the erroneous belief that computers can’t make mistakes.

OK, technically it’s the programmer that makes the mistake and having that particular skill in my portfolio, I would be the first to admit that programmers aren’t perfect. Particularly at around ten minutes to quitting time on a Friday when a fudge that will work 99% of the time would get you out of there in time for the weekend. Not something I’d do of course, I’m just giving it as an example. It used to be said that a particularly badly manufactured item was a ‘Friday Afternoon Special’. So it would seem that since our economy, such as it is, has moved resolutely into smoke and mirrors, otherwise known as the services sector, the Friday Afternoon Special is still alive and well. Albeit contained in electrons in circuits rather than something parked outside your house.

Today I came across two examples of computers adding to effort rather than easing our lives. First example was at Waitrose in Lymington. To be sure a fine shopping experience normally, but today we made the mistake of buying some reticent black seedless grapes. To be honest they hadn’t seemed particularly chatty when we weighed them and in truth had been a little sullen as we walked around the store. What we were not expecting  was that their general demeanour was a danger to us. The checkout lady passed them by the scanner and was rewarded with a frankly startling message somewhere along the lines of “Danger – do not sell. This item is withdrawn”. Now as I say, we hadn’t engaged much in the way of conversation with these grapes, but calling them ‘withdrawn’ seemed a bit rich, and why was that a danger to us? Were they inclined towards manic depression and given to huge mood swings? As it transpired, it was a ‘computer’ error and the supervisor cleared the error and went off muttering about having to tell someone. So good grapes had been maligned for no reason other than what we techies call a ‘human interface error’.

Second problemette was a perennial hole in the wall issue. I had inserted my cash card into two different ATM’s to be told in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t going to get anything from there matey and would I move along if you please. First one was at a 24 hour convenience store so wasn’t too worried. Second ATM was the issuing bank, so that was a tad more worrying. Fortunately the bank in question, name witheld to protect the stupid, had a 24 hour local rate helpline. No idea where it was in the world although I could make a decent guess based on accent, but after checking (very thoroughly) I was who I was purporting to be, the customer relations agent admitted to being perplexed. He then checked with another department and came back and asked me the last four digits of the card I was using. To cut a boring story short, the current card had been cancelled in favour of a new card even though it had not yet expired. Apparently this was going to happen 28 days after the new card was issued. Pity they didn’t tell me. I know they didn’t because I just read the bumpf I got with the new card. So human interface error or Friday Afternoon programming, you choose.

So the dust begins to settle on another festive season and it seems the only decision to make is when do the decorations come down. Well maybe not the only decision. Since late December the January sales have been in full swing in Lymington and visiting friends have already benefited with up to an amazing fifty per cent off!

For the purposes of clarity I would like to make clear that the last was a verbatim quote, not my opinion. Frankly I don’t get so excited about buying things I didn’t know I needed until I realise I can get them half price. Furthermore I have to say that our friends are obviously not the sort of people who do buy just because they see a reduction sticker so I couldn’t be referring to them now could I? Really good friends are not so easy to find so I’m not about to risk any unintentional insult, it’s easy enough to do that with an ill-considered ‘amusing’ email as it is! No, there’s no story there, I have a friend who has done it. Really.

Anyway, and regardless of all that, there is still a strange draw to arm oneself with an already battered credit card and sally forth into the shops with big red percentages plastered over their windows in case there really is something you would be gutted to find you missed out on. What is that about? Over the Christmas period we have had visits from family and friends who have been to some of the poorest parts of Africa and the Indian subcontinent and seen pictures and heard descriptions of what it was like for the poorest of the poor. I’m not sure what a January sale would consist of in the interior of Liberia, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t draw queues of people waiting to get designer handbags at half price.

By all means buy a bargain, shop ’till you drop and enjoy it, but why not match your spending pound for pound by giving a gift to those for whom January just means they have survived another year. Try Living Gifts or a charity of your own choice and start the year as you mean to go on. A very prosperous New Year to you and your own.

Every so often we have assembled a shopping list long enough to necessitate a visit to the West Quays shopping centre in Southampton. It’s kinda spread out a bit with warehouse-style shops until you get to the main consumer cathedral where Marks & Spencer and John Lewis are to be found. As far as I am concerned when it comes to shopping, there’s really not much to say other than we got what we went for and returned unscathed. Not a participatory sport in my book. Actually we found that late afternoon on a regular weekday in December is a heck of a good time to shop at M&S. According to the checkout guy there had been queues way back along the shop floor from the checkouts at around 3pm, but we had no-one in front of us at around 5pm. My kind of queuing.

So what do you do aprés shopping? Well drink tea of course. Off up to the top floor of John Lewis where they have a food court with big windows looking out over the docks. Talk about good timing, just as we arrived the Queen Victoria slipped moorings and headed out on her maiden voyage. Being as how they had organised a quayside ceremony for a very large number of dignitaries earlier, Cunard obviously couldn’t let this auspicious occasion go without a rather noticeable firework display. At times it was hard to see quite where the fireworks were coming from, but so far as we could figure out there were quayside and shipborne both going off at the same time. Probably increased the ships carbon footprint what with all the smoke and all, but do ships have a footprint? Ignoring obvious jokes about the plimsoll line, the concept of a carbon hull print is a little harder to comprehend. It was pretty jolly good though. The celebration flapjack I had wasn’t bad either. OK, I admit, it wasn’t due to celebration, it was down a lack of self-control bought on by the euphoria of finding I had dropped a jeans size. Apparently swimming really is good for you, once the ear infection goes.

Whilst I was shopping I came across a great example of possible cause and effect. In JJB Sports they lock the changing rooms so you can’t use them without the assistance of an assistant. Well I call them assistants but to be honest it’s more of a title than a description. So anyway, you go to find an assistant and there follows a discussion amongst them as to who is going to unlock the changing rooms, and who then is going to cover the front door whilst the one who was covering the front door goes to unlock the changing rooms. I stood with my best do-you-not-realise-I’m-still-standing-here expression, but it didn’t speed things up any. Now I had assumed that the covering of the front door was keeping an eye open to stop their stock walking out, even with the massive plastic dongle designed to prevent that which is attached to all items. On reflection, and considering their general disability to be of any help in making a purchase at all, maybe it’s to stop potential customers getting in. Saves having to unlock the changing rooms after all.